Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Worst Native American name ever.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?