Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Do you want contact-free delivery?
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CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.