Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation