Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality