More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
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Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is