Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.