[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee