If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Pandas 🐼🖤
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick