Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.