fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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A short story about romance.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I love the honesty
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am