Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.