If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
real
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.