So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.