Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like