My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Yeah. This was me today.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay