1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”