When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering