My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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(Jupiter –
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
How to draw a duck
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
why isn’t he texting back
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.