I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Venn
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.