COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.