me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
#NeverForget
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .