Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Current mood: Potato
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
sensitive skin
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll