me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
You Might Also Like
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
No, he would not have.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that