Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The Sun
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?