Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go