[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.