look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.