A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning