*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
No, he would not have.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.