I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Childbirth is so beautiful
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?