[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??