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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.