A Short Story.
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers