[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.