I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Siri: Retweet me.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.