Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me refusing to leave twitter
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha