Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
🤣😂
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.