[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!