When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.