I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.