How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*skinny dips into black hole
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Mhm.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.