Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Encore…
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”