I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
A short story about romance.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.