I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
You Might Also Like
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.