Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.