Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried