Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”