When news reporters do sports stories
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My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.