Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My favorite female superhero
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?