me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Life is a suicide mission.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it